


Apple Cider

by gaymemeaesthetic



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Abandonment, Anxiety, Character Death, Death, Dreams and Nightmares, Drug Use, Grief/Mourning, Kidnapping, M/M, Nightmares, Spencer Reid Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:08:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27106243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaymemeaesthetic/pseuds/gaymemeaesthetic
Summary: Derek makes apple cider while Spencer sleeps through a nightmare
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Emily Prentiss/ Jennifer "JJ" Jareau (mentioned)
Kudos: 41





	Apple Cider

**Author's Note:**

> major trigger warning for drug use, kidnapping, grief, anxiety, and nightmares! spoilers for season 2-12

Spencer had nightmares. It was something common within the BAU. You spend all day chasing murderers, you’re gonna have dreams that they’re chasing you. Night terrors might have been a better word for what Spencer experienced. He went through five different stages during his dreams. Impending fear, the calm before the storm, downfall, false hope, and finally, he has to let go of it all.

Spencer knew that the nightmares were a metaphor for his life, but it was something he knew he would be working on forever, and that at the moment there would be nothing to do about it.

Usually Derek was there to wake him before downfall, but sometimes Spencer was too far into REM to be awoken and had already dissociated from the reality that he normally awoke to, which brings us to now.

Derek and Spencer decided to use their vacation days and rent out a cabin. It was nearing fall and the trees were turning orange, and the Virginia winds became colder. When they entered the cabin around noon after an entire night of driving, Derek decided to make some apple cider for the two of them. Spencer, who hadn’t gotten any sleep despite his position in the passenger seat, went straight for the bedroom and settled into the clean sheets, falling asleep instantly.

He was sitting in the passenger seat of a car again. He was smaller and felt more uncomfortable than before. Looking forward, the only thing for miles was the Las Vegas desert. A metaphor for his childhood and the impending fear he felt all through it.

Nothing really happened in this part of the nightmares. There was never anybody driving the car, just him sitting, waiting for the heavy machinery to swerve into the desert full of cacti and huge ravines that hid in every dune of sand. Occasionally he would begin to talk to himself. The only noise that he heard was “No Children” by The Mountain Goats blasting from the car radio. He usually turned it off after the song cycled through around three times. Lately he had just let it play, knowing and hoping Derek would be there to wake him soon, and he did this time too.

The calm before the storm was much quicker than impending fear. It mostly consisted of watching moments during college and his early years at the BAU. High school graduation, late nights studying, joking around with Derek and Elle in the bullpen, his date with JJ, and staying the night with Derek after he brought chinese food to his apartment. Everything he had grown to love about his life passed by as if on a screen in a movie theatre as “Dramamine” by Modest Mouse played in his head. It was Spencer’s muttering of familiar words that were in past conversations with Derek that caused him to be woken up by his partner on most nights, but now Derek was in the shower, the flowing water too loud to hear the words that had escaped Spencer’s mind through his mouth.

Downfall was the worst of them all. It seemed as though he was actually descending into a bottomless hole in the bed, much like the feeling you get right before drifting to sleep. Around him, seemingly on computer screens much like thrones in New York City, his memories of the shack in the graveyard played. HIs whole body panged with hurt all over. In the crook of his elbow, the soles of his feet, and the sides of his head. His stomach hurt and turned and twisted. He was cold and just wanted the warmth of his team to be there. This was when he thrashed in his sleep. He often woke up to Derek screaming his name in reassurance, but not now. Derek was at the dollar store they saw on the road to the cabin getting ingredients for an actual dinner that could be prepared and served with the cider. The images floating around Spencer began changing, to the first time he overdosed and Derek had to bring him to the hospital, to when he openly compared an arsonist to a drug addict in front of a police precinct full of officers, and to when he lashed out at Emily outside of a homeless shelter.

And then he was in a field of flowers. He wasn’t here very often but when he was he knew it wouldn’t last long. “pity party” by lovelytheband played on a loop, coming through nonexistent speakers. All the moments he had shared with the people in his life flashed through his mind as he walked through the field. All of the nights he had cuddling on the couch with Derek watching new episodes of Doctor Who while Penelope sat on a nearby chair, cooing at their closeness. All the times Emily got bored during a long night at work and threw Spencer a paper ball with her scribbly handwriting detailing what she was thinking about. Most of the time it was the dates she wanted to plan with JJ.

Spencer stopped walking and looked up. A cobblestone arch was before him. The last part of the nightmare. “LETTING GO” was in big block letters was written on the arch in russian. He looked down at his shoes. He had never gotten this far before, but he walked through the arch anyways. It led into a cemetery. Each headstone had the name of someone who had betrayed or abandoned him at some point. Jason Gideon, Aaron Hotchner, Emily Prentiss, William Reid, Maeve Donovan, and Alex Blake. There was a chess table in the middle of the six headstones. He walked over and sat down. He moved a white pawn, and a black pawn was moved on the other side of the table by no one. The game went on, and it seemed never ending. And it was.

“No, no, no!” Spencer cried out. He felt Derek’s hands on his forearms as he began to wake up.

“Hey, hey. Spencer, it’s okay.” Derek’s soothing voice gently rocked Spencer fully awake and calmed him down.

Then Spencer remembered. How could he forget the one good part of his nightmares?

“I finished the apple cider.”

The aftermath.


End file.
